The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

I tuned in a few minutes late this week and the first thing I heard was Chelsea saying “I’m on a dreamboat, but I’m also with a dreamboat.” Is she talking about Arie?giphy.gif

Anyways, they make out on a jet-ski and that’s that. Next stop, dinner. Arie asks Chelsea about her ex and her son Sammy. Okay, is it just me or does everyone that goes on the Bachelor have a son named Sammy?

If you were to tell me the most dramatic moment of this episode followed a group bowling date, I would 100% believe you because this show is an absolute joke. And yes, that’s exactly what happened.

Before we get into that, let’s all take a moment of silence to mourn the loss of Arie’s dignity (or at least what’s left of it) after he LICKED A BOWLING BALL. I’m very unsure of what just happened, why it happened, or if I’ll ever recover.
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I haven’t heard Jenna say so much as a WORD until this very episode, but now all of the sudden she’s half dolphin, half cheerleader chanting and acting like she’s an extra in Bring it On.
Jenna: “That’s alright, that’s okay, you’re gonna pump our gas someday!”
Arie: “That was amazing!!”
Ah, yes, Arie, it was. She’s wife material if i’ve ever seen it.

I am very close to turning this off. Why do I do this to myself?

And now the moment we’ve been waiting for, the most dramatic moment in Bachelor history. Arie originally told the girls that only the winning team would go to the after party, but now he wants to include everyone. That’s right, you heard me. Arie changed his mind.

Actual footage of Krystal finding out everyone is invited to the party:
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Apparently, Krystal flips out on the bus calling Arie is a liar because he “went back on his word.” She can’t trust him! This girl can not be for real, right? Also, why didn’t the cameras catch all of this? Is there a strict ‘no filming on the bus’ rule?

She is literally boycotting the party because her feelings are so hurt. I’m dead. I’m literally on the floor dead, GO HOME KRYSTAL.

Okay, I may not be a huge fan of Bekah, but her Krystal impression was spot on.

Arie decides to go talk to Krystal to make sure he’s okay. Further confirmation that I hate Arie.

Can Krystal SPEAK THE HELL UP. Her breathy sex-phone-operator tone is like nails on a chalkboard and I have zero idea what she’s saying. Why are there no subtitles? Also, I am 100% sure this is not her real voice (no, really. I watched one of her fitness videos).

Krystal’s ‘give me attention’ plan backfires and Arie leaves her alone in her room instead of begging her to change her mind and join the cocktail party. Alright, one point for Arie.

Just as the girls are saying a prayer to mock Krystal, Krystal herself shows up right as the producers tell her to out of the blue!

She tells the girls yet again that her feelings were really hurt today. Were they Krystal, were they really?

Bekah calling Krystal out for being a liar and going back on her word by coming to the party is giving me life. Do I love Bekah?

Lauren B. gets the rose and I’m sorry but she literally has zero personality. She played 20 questions with Arie and asked his favorite color and how he takes his coffee. Deep.

Tia goes on the one-on-one and they go on a boat in the Everglades. They see a few crocodiles (or, alligators? Idk) and talk about how Tia goes ‘frogging’ at home. If I heard correctly, it’s chasing frogs and stabbing them with prongs. Is Tia from the south?

Aahhh UGH Arie does this THING where he talks to the girls like they’re babies when he says certain things. It’s this weird whiney voice and it pains me. Please tell me I’m not the only one who notices this.

Example:
Tia: “I feel like I’m falling in love with you”
Arie: *whines, pretends she’s 7* “you have to look at me when you say that.”

ABORT ABORT.

Me to me rn: “30 minutes left? How is that humanly possible, I’ve been watching this for a full 6 hours.”

The taxidermy girl (can’t remember her name) admits that she would be curious to try out cannibalism! She’ll definitely get a rose.

Krystal just said “hatas gonna hate” with not an ounce of sarcasm in her voice, and then throws fake glitter in the air.
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Arie has a heart to heart with Krystal and the producers he decides to keep her around by giving her a rose. 3 girls go home, Maquel, and then 2 other girls who’s names I cannot remember for the life of me.

Here’s to hoping that next week is the last time we will ever see Krystal.

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