Here we are at week 3. Krystal is still annoying and Arie is still underwhelming.
Things start off with a wrestling group date. Sounds safe!
The wresting coaches from “GLOW” come on to teach the girls how to wrestle, and they are taking this way too seriously. This is The Bachelor, calm down.
Wrestling coach: “IS THIS FUNNY TO YOU?”
Everyone: “literally yes, this entire show is a joke.”
So, everyone is assigned a “character” and Arie is “The Kissing Bandit.” Is that ever going to stop being a thing?
Arie has to wrestle Kenny from Rachel’s season – also an actual wrestler – and I am having so much anxiety and secondhand embarrassment watching this. Arie wins using a very calculated routine taught to him by producers on his own merits. Nice job.
The sound effects during the girls matches are very accurate and realistic. I am absolutely certain these girls are actually being slammed against the ground with great force.
Part two of the group date is the typical cocktail party where the girls have to fight for Arie’s attention. Krystal obviously comes in hot saying the other girls are living in a ‘false reality’ since Arie is clearly going to pick her. #BoycottKrystal2k18
Bekah says her longest relationship was 3 years. When, in middle school?
She gets the rose and then she excuses herself to finish her homework. It’s a school night.
Lauren S. gets the one-on-one date.
Lauren S.: “The date card said ‘you had me at Merlot.’ I think it has something to do with wine!”
Lauren S. is very smart.
Lauren is rambling so much about literally who knows what, and Arie hasn’t said a word. Girlfriend – CHILL. She is giving my serious Micheal takes Erin out to lunch for Secretary’s day vibes.
He doesn’t give her the rose. Color me shocked.
Krystal: “If Arie doesn’t like someone, he’ll send her home.”
I think I speak for all viewers when I say, thank you Krystal, for explaining how the show works.
It’s the second group date of the week, and they’re training dogs. But that’s not all, they’ll have to perform on stage with the dogs. In costume. I hate this show.
Of course Anneleise is scared of dogs because she had a traumatizing experience. Isn’t this the same girl who had the bumper car trauma? It was a dog driving the bumper car that crashed into her, wasn’t it.
I give this dog show a solid 2/10. I give my anxiety watching this dog show, a 10.
Part 2 of the group date and Arie is making connections out with everyone. Well, everyone except Annalise.
She has a painfully awkward conversation with Arie, but is later determined to have her first kiss with him. Her master plan? Telling him that she wants him to kiss her. He says he doesn’t think they’re “there yet.” I could not cringe any harder if I tried.
So naturally, she gives it 20 minutes and then finds him again and asks if he sees any potential in their relationship. His response? A resounding no.
During the rose ceremony, I notice that there are several girls I’ve never seen before. How does this happen every season?
Arie sends Bibiana home and she is broken you guys. Bibiana broke the cardinal rule of the Bachelor: Don’t use your time with the Bachelor to talk about drama with the girls in the house. When will anybody learn?
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’ve officially formed my opinion of Arie. It’s not positive.