I have to admit, I seriously contemplated whether or not I wanted to watch this season of The Bachelor, for like 4 or 5 minutes. I have no interest in Arie, but here we are. We’re on episode 2 and I’m still at the point where I don’t know any of the girls names, that usually doesn’t happen until, like, the final 6. I do know that a bunch of them are already selling shit on Instagram, #herefortherightreasons. I also know that most of them are named Lauren and most of them are under the age of 25. Arie is
51 36. K.
We open the episode with the girls drinking mimosas and talking about how obsessed they are with Arie. Definitely understandable, they’ve talked to him for at least 3 minutes each.
Here comes Chris B. Harrison with the first date card, and it goes to Becca K. *Side note – I hope this girl knows that no matter where this journey takes her, and no matter when the second Becca leaves, she will always and forever be known as Becca K.*
She and Arie take a motorcycle to a random house and Rachel Zoe is casually there to style her. I die. For no reason at all, she gets to keep 3 ball gowns, a pair of Louboutins, and a pair of diamond earrings.
Okay, all of the girls keep saying he has “pillow lips” and I am uncomfortable.
Arie: “Seeing Becca walk through the doorway at the Hudson Loft was magical. #ad”
Arie: “I can’t believe how much grey hair I have!”
Becca: “Can you fix my breaks?”
Now this is what true romance is made of.
Krystal gets the next date card and it’s another one-on-one date. Such a twist – ABC is really pulling out all the stops this season.
I really can’t with Krystal’s breathy voice. I need this to be her last day. Arie, revoke the date card.
Arie and Krystal take a private jet to Scottsdale, Arie’s hometown. Can’t believe I’m so behind that they’re already on hometowns.
They go to his house and Krystal starts unpacking talking about how crazy it is that she could potentially live there.
Next, they go to Arie’s parents house. What is happening? Krystal is literally meeting his entire family on their first date. Great way to manage her expectations, Arie.
Last stop is dinner, where they’re guaranteed not to take a bite of their food.
Krystal tells Arie she’s not close with her family and her brother is homeless and Arie reacts with a few “oh my gods” and nods. Do I hate Arie? I seriously cannot decide.
In the least anticipated moment of every season, they get serenaded by a country singer nobody has heard of. Can ABC not splurge on a B-List singer, just once?
Next up is the group date, and it’s literally not important to name all of the girls going. There’s 15 of them and that’s more than enough information.
Oh, it’s a race car date. Did you guys know Arie is a race car driver?
Anneleise starts crying because she’s scared. She had a really traumatizing experience playing Mario Kart with bumper cars once. I wish I was making this up.
I’m not entirely sure how the actual race went because I had no interest, but Seinne wins. Should I even bother using names at this point? Literally who is Seinne.
Arie: “So today’s date was kind of like, ‘my world.’ I’m not sure how many of you know this, but I race cars professionally.”
Chelsea steals Arie away within the first 40 seconds and she’s clearly the “villain” of the season. She confides in Arie that she has a 3 year old son and that’s why she’s so mysterious. I don’t even…whatever.
Girl #15 is upset that she didn’t get any time with Arie, so she storms off and tells the camera not to follow her. Should have thought about that before you signed your life away to ABC.
Ew I cannot with Arie kissing baby Bekah. He looks like he could be her literal father, is this legal?
Bekah: “Omg I never thought you would be into someone like me!
Really, Bekah? Why’s that? Because you’re 10?
*cut to the cocktail party*
Why does Arie age 8 years between each shot?
Arie takes a second to check in with Brittany after she got hurt on the
bumper race car date. Brittany is friend zoned right off the bat. Arie’s interaction with her is like when you say bye to someone but it turns out your going the same way. I can’t look.
Is Krystal okay? She’s high, right? She keeps pulling the classic “can I steal you for a sec?” and people cannot deal. She already has a rose! The nerve.
Arie sends home a couple of girls who I have never seen before. Never saw that coming.
Jenny, with the worlds most dramatic exit (okay, probably not the most dramatic, but still) is shocked that someone had the nerve to break up with her.
Jenny: “I’m not sad about you I’m sad about
missing my shot at SugarBear endorsements leaving my friends.”
I don’t know who’s left, and I don’t really know if I like anyone yet. I still don’t know if I like Arie but all signs are pointing to no.
See ya next week!