Bachelor in Paradise is coming to a close tonight and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself on Monday/Tuesday nights anymore.
Let me set the scene for you on this last night in Paradise:
- Robby is still wearing a women’s white racerback tank from Old Navy
- Taylor is still as irritating as ever
- Dean is like, very sunburnt
Chris Harrison greets the group and tells them that they have 3 choices. They can leave as a couple, stay as a couple with the option to stay in the Fantasy Suite together, or
get the fuck out and stop taking up precious screen time leave separately.
Jack Stone tells Christen he wants to leave with her as a couple and she tells him she
would rather be run over by 25 SUV’s simultaneously feels like they’re only acquaintances. Alright, Christen, lets roll the tape of you sticking your tongue down Jack Stone’s throat.
Tickle Monster tells Jasmine they should leave separately as friends, which, like, obviously. Have they spoken once before this moment?
Adam pulls Raven aside, and I’m still sitting here pondering why they’re together.
He asks her to join him in the Fantasy Suite and she’s nervous because last time she did that with
Satan Nick Viall, it didn’t work out. She says yes anyways because Adam is…irresistible? Idk, I don’t get it either.
Ugh, time to watch Dean talk to
the ocean D-Lo.
D-Lo: “Dean could potentially be my boyfriend after this.”
Dean: “I’m in love with Kristina, sry lol I’m such an idiot.”
Dean cries because he’s realized once and for all that he’s the fuckboy of all fuckboys and that he’s ruined his chances of being
the Bachelor with Kristina.
Diggy tells Dominique they should leave separately, and that he’s had, like, a really hard past few hours. Ugh, we all feel your pain, Diggy!
He decides the better option is to leave with Jami since they spent 32 minutes together on their one date. Jami says they should leave as friends and Diggy is probably chasing after Dominique as we speak.
‘s hair decides that he wants to leave with Amanda because he’s definitely ready to raise two small children.
Amanda tells Robby that she doesn’t see this working out in real life, and everyone in the world is like, “same.”
Amanda: “I’m sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
Robby: “Amanda, I have so many Instagram followers, are you sure?”
The only couples left are:
Lacey & Daniel (what)
Raven & Adam (meh)
Derek & Taylor (ew)
They each get a night in the fantasy suite to decide if they
have sexual chemistry can see this working out in the real world.
Why am I still watching this show?
Lacey and Daniel decide they want to leave Paradise fully in a relationship, and we all know this is a farce. We already know he’s since been on an episode of Million Dollar Matchmaker!
The door closes and all we hear is Daniel calling Lacey a “bad girl.”
Taylor literally couldn’t be more annoying if she tried. Everything she says sounds like she’s reading it out of a textbook.
She and Derek make out and like, talk about their connection. I can’t wait until I don’t have to spend 4 hours a week seeing these two on TV.
*Cut to the live studio viewing so ABC can drag this out over 2 hours and really make us question our unhealthy addiction to this show.*
In true ABC fashion, they bring Corinne and DeMario on stage for a *dramatic* conversation.
DeMario: “I’m in therapy.”
Corinne: “I’m learning to be myself again.”
Dean is convinced that if he looks like he’s on the verge of tears during this whole live taping, that we’ll feel bad for him.
Dean: “I had to unfollow Kristina on social media because
I kept getting drunk and sending her ‘you up?’ DM’s it hurt”
D-Lo calls Dean out for reaching out to her immediately after leaving Paradise even though he claimed to be in love with Kristina. How dare he! After he was such a nice and genuine guy on the show! Both of them need to drop him. The boy wears tie-dye tanks and we should not be here for it.
Amanda joins Chris Harrison on stage and reminisces on the romantic mornings in Paradise when Robby would bring her avocado toast. Really helps you overlook his half socks, doesn’t it Amanda?
Apparently, she and Robby dated for a bit after Paradise, but he only wanted to hang out with her when
there were paparazzi around it was convenient for him.
The twins claim that Robby cheated on Amanda and everyone believes him when he denies it.
This is so anticlimactic, I expected so much more from you, ABC.
Lacey hits the hot seat and all we can hope for is that this is her last time participating in the Bachelor franchise. I’m sorry, I just can’t with her.
Turns out Daniel was lying to Lacey about his feelings so he could get more airtime on BIP.
Daniel is the realest and says he can’t make someone his girlfriend after 5 days of hanging out.
He might be an asshole, but at least he’s finally saying what everyone else is thinking.
Raven and Adam are apparently still together. So like, neat.
She brings her parents out on stage to *unexpectedly* meet Adam for the first time. This franchise kills me.
Derek and Taylor get engaged.