The mood in Paradise is somber after Kristina’s dramatic departure last night.
Dominique: “Dean was devastated after Kristina left last night.”
*cut to Dean taking a shot of tequila.*
Well played, ABC.
Jamie shows up in paradise wearing a huge sign that says “I’M BISEXUAL.” Or at least, she might as well have been. She keeps saying she isn’t sure if she’s going to take a guy or a girl on her date, as if one of these girls is all of the sudden going to decide she’s interested in women as well.
She ultimately decides to take Diggy, even though he was all over Dominique last night. Come on, you didn’t think they’d let us watch the show without a love triangle, did you?
Okay, neither Diggy nor Jamie thanked the waitress when she brought them their food.
In an attempt to
stay relevant after their failed Freeform show find love, the twins show up, and they’re more annoying than I remember. Great.
Me right now:
Ok I’m sorry, but there’s no way these two made it past 8th grade, right? They literally don’t know what a scallop is. Can someone please assist them with living?
Also, isn’t it about time they stopped dressing alike?
Anyways, Haley is interested in Derek, who is basically married to Taylor. Not gonna happen. Emily is interested in Dean, who just got out of a tumultuous love triangle that has arguably tarnished his reputation for life. So, looks like both of these girls are out of luck.
Okay why are they literally storming in here acing like they’re dogs in heat? They keep saying things like “we’re here to fuck shit up,” “we won’t take no for an answer,” and “we’re here to get what we want.”
They grab Amanda to talk and she says Jack Stone and Tickle Monster are they only 2 guys available. Sweet.
Amanda: “If nobody will go on the date, I’ll go”
Amanda gets it.
Haley realizes that Derek is 100% off limits, so she asks Jack Stone. She keeps referring to him as a Serial Killer because she’s definitley genuinely interested in him and 100% not here for fame.
Emily tries to ask Dean on her date and he obviously says no. She’s literally in shock. I know that because she verbally says it, out loud, to Dean. I have so much secondhand embarrassment for her.
Emily: “You don’t have a choice. I won’t take no for an answer.”
Dean: “lol, no.”
Emily cannot even fathom that someone would refuse a date with her, so she asks D-Lo for permission…even though Dean already said no.
D-Lo says it’s up to Dean
but she’ll literally cut his dick off if he says yes.
Emily asks Dean again and he still says no.
This is too much. GIVE IT UP, GIRL.
She pity-asks Tickle Monster on here date and then she and Haley call D-Lo and Taylor “Shallow ugly whores.” Damn, did the twins lose their SugarBear endorsement? Why are they all of the sudden the world’s biggest assholes?
Umm…how did Jasmine get an iced coffee from Starbucks? Gonna take a wild guess and say there isn’t a Starbucks within walking distance.
Derek and Taylor have a heart to heart and, like, watch the sunset.
Derek: “I could definitely see myself falling in love with you and getting a free Neil Lane engagement ring and televised wedding from ABC.”
Jack decides last minute that he doesn’t want to go on the doubke date, and the twins go off. They storm out of Paradise, tell everyone to fuck off and start throwing scallops.
Wait. I hate the twins. Legitimately, who do they think they are?
Chris Harrison ominously shows up and tells the group that it’s their last day in Paradise. Stfu, Chris Harrison.