I almost forgot there was a new episode of Bachelor in Paradise tonight since it’s Labor Day, but thanks to
my addiction to social media Twitter, I’m tuning into ABC for another night of chaos.
Robby tells Dean that he and Kristina saw him and D-Lo all over each other the night before and he’s so upset that he
hurt Kristina didn’t do it somewhere more private.
Dean: “Why didn’t you bring her down to the beach?!”
Robby: “I wanted more air time.”
Everyone is giving Dean shit for being such and ass and I’m 100% here for it. We should totally just stab Dean!
Dean tries to talk to Kristina and it’s like here we go again. How many more times can we watch Dean struggle to string together a sentence about his feelings?
Jasmine has decided that she wants to pursue Jonathan/Tickle Monster so she forcibly makes out with him in the pool. Such a romantic “how we met” story if that works out.
Blake shows up and literally nobody cares. All they care about is the fact that he’s sweaty AF. Apparently this is the guy who fought with “Whaboom” on the Bachelorette. He’s over it, but he cannot stop talking about it. Like, dude, nobody knows
who the fuck you are you for that fight, so stop bringing it up.
Blake tries to ask Kristina on his date and she’s like, I actually think
I’m gonna head back to the orphanage I need to figure some things out in my head, so thanks but no thanks. Strike 1 for Blake.
Fred shows up and steals all of the attention
that he literally never had away from Blake. Now they have to go on the dreaded double date.
Everyone keeps calling Fred a “bad boy” because Rachel knew him when they were in middle school. He probably like, tripped a kid once, chill out.
Fred asks Dominique on his date, and she says yes right away.
Blake asks Christen on his date because she’s
the only option left the only one who he feels like he can have a conversation with. Sure, Blake.
Word around Paradise is that Christen said Jack Stone is a bad kisser. So, naturally, all of the girls decide to make out him to put it to the test. Spoiler alert: Jack is a good kisser, according to all of the girls in Paradise. So that must mean Christen is a bad kisser, right?
Speaking of Christen, she is literally living her worst life on the double date. She gets seasick, her contacts almost fall out, and on top of all that, her mascara is down to her chin.
Chris Harrison shows up, fully refreshed from the massage and facial he just had at his extravagant 5 star resort, probably. He tells the group that there’s a date card on the way, and that the rose ceremony will be tonight. Such a twist!
Daniel finds the date card and it goes to Robby. Ugh, what a waste. Why give it to someone who is already part of a solid couple? Screw you, ABC.
Robby and Amanda go to a carnival or something, I think. I zoned out for most of it because I seriously can’t stand Robby’s voice/face/personality/demeanor/presence. Sorry.
Robby: “I’ve never dated someone with kids but I’m a sucker for
Instagram followers family.”
It’s time for the cocktail party/rose ceremony and girls have the power tonight.
Ben Z decides to leave and
nobody even knew he was still everybody is supportive of his decision. He finally gets to see his dog and everybody is like “aw, you have a dog?”
Raven and Christen take a shot together and Raven literally says “cheers, scallops.” I’m dead. Fully deceased. She said scallops.
Christen is like, come again? She had no idea anybody called her “Scallop fingers.”
Raven is probably shitting her pants at this point trying to come up with some sort of reasoning for this nickname, but Wells swoops in and saves the day.
He literally has to tell her the whole story as if it’s all in good fun and not a complete attack on her character. Nice save, Wells.
Despite the nickname, there are 3 guys fighting over Christen’s rose. I am not buying that they all feel a connection with her. They just have absolutely no reason to get back home to their nonexistent jobs. And they’re hoping to stick around long enough to land a few guest spots on podcasts.
Christen has honestly done more making out this season than Josh and Amanda last season. Girl, chill.
Is D-Lo wearing a bedazzled bikini top over her tank top?
D-Lo asks Dean if he would accept a rose from Kristina, and he tells her no. In choppy sentences with no eye contact, he says he’s going to tell Kristina he wants to peruse a relationship with D-Lo.
Kristina calls Dean out for being a dick and Dean is like “plz don’t hate me lol.”
Raven breaks it down and tells Kristina she can’t blame D-Lo for this whole situation. I definitley see both sides, but at the end of the day, Dean could have ended things with either of these girls, and he didn’t.
D-Lo definitely sucks too, but Dean told Kristina so many times that he wanted to
sleep with her get to know her. And Kristina was like, do what you gotta do. (Wasn’t she? I don’t know, they’ve talked so many times about this I can’t remember for the life of me what was said.)
I really don’t care at this point and am too exhausted to fully pick a side. They’re all in the wrong at this point, aren’t they? Whatever.
Also, let’s not forget that Dean’s Instagram handle is deanie_babies. Come on girls, you can do better.
Kristina flips out on Raven for
telling the truth not being on her side, not being a good friend, blah, blah, blah.
Then, out of nowhere, Wells hits Kristina with “why are you fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for you?” DAAAAAAMNNN, WELLS.
The rose ceremony starts and all of the obvious ones go first. Omg I completely forgot about Taylor and Derek, were they on camera once this whole episode?
Dominique gives her rose to Diggy, and faster than we could blink, Fred is gone.
Christen gives her rose to Jack Stone, and Blake is out of here too.
Kristina decides to forgo giving out a rose, and instead makes a speech about how
much of a fuckboy Dean is she deserves to be appreciated and valued, and that hasn’t been happening here.
She decides to leave Paradise and makes sure to hug all of the girls except D-Lo on her way out.
Dean: “I hate myself”
America: “yeah, no shit, we all hate you too.”
D-Lo is so excited that Dean “accepted her rose” but, like, it was the last one so…
Raise your hand if you’re not excited for the twins to come tomorrow