Picking up right where we left off, Daniel has just arrived in Paradise. Daniel is literally nothing but 100% pure entertainment. He’s absolutely not here to find love (sorry, Lacey), but he makes no attempt to hide that fact. He’s a douche by every definition of the word but I cannot deny that he makes me laugh.
Daniel is the guy at the pregame that makes a couple good jokes but you can only handle him for about an hour max.
Lacey jumps on Daniel the second he walks in and his face is doing all of the talking.
Lacey is already calling Daniel “my man.” The thirst is real.
Daniel has, like, 8 minutes to decide who to give his rose to and Lacey is determined to make sure it’s her.
Lacey: “Nobody here likes me and I’m 99% sure I’m going home tonight.”
Daniel: “Nice weather we’re having.”
Christen and Jasmine try their hand at
pretending to like to Daniel to get his rose getting to know Daniel.
Daniel: “Have you ever had Canadian bacon?”
Christen: “Yeah, it’s good! Kind of salty.”
Daniel: “Not exactly what I meant but yeah bacon is good too”
Valiant effort, ladies.
Jasmine is devastated that she’s probably going home because she wasn’t able to charm Daniel in her 3 minute time slot.
Now we’re finally going to see a rose ceremony, and this one is actually kind of a nail biter.
Daniel gives his rose to Lacey, and we’re stuck with her for at least another week.
Matt shows up out of nowhere like a knight in shining armor and gives a big speech about how he wants give his rose to Jasmine so it doesn’t go to waste, and so she can find love.
Jasmine’s like “k.”
GIRL. You cannot sit there an cry about how you’re going to be sent home and then be pissed when you get a second chance. I’ve had enough of you. Boycott Jasmine 2k17.
Adam gives his rose to Raven and romantically threatens her at the same time.
Adam: “If I give you this rose, you better not make me regret it. I want the Neil Lane ring, the televised wedding, and a fucking sonogram from Chris Harrison, do you understand me?”
Raven: “Aww, thank you.”
Dean finally makes up his mind and gives his rose to Kristina. It’s over, we made it!
Ben Z: “YOU THOUGHT.”
listens to the producers threats and gives his rose to D-Lo and I am shook. Are you kidding me with that Ben Z?
Ben Z: “Will you accept this rose?”
D-Lo: “I wouldn’t have said yes to anyone else.”
Sarah leaves and it’s like she was never there. Alexis on the other hand, that one hurts.
Dean and Kristina are laying in the bungalow and they start playing truth or dare. Kristina dares him to get a boner, so he lays there closing his eyes just casually trying to get one.
Did this episode have a viewer discretion advised warning, wtf?
Kristina looks behind her like “omg, are the cameras around?!” Yes, Kristina. There are cameras legitimately everywhere.
A group of masked wrestlers show up to give Daniel a date card. Casual.
Christen thinks they’re sumo wrestlers. They’re not.
Daniel tells Lacey he wants to talk to a few more girls before he decides who to give his date card to.
Daniel: “I’m not just gonna give it to you. That’s not how it works.”
Literally nothing that comes out of Daniel’s mouth makes sense and I am losing my shit. This guy is a caricature of a human being. He is not a real person.
Daniel ultimately decides to ask Lacey on his date and she starts showing him photos of her dream wedding dress.
“The Tickle Monster” shows up, much to literally everyone’s disappointment. The tickle thing was not funny on the Bachelorette and it’s not funny here. Drop. The. Shtick.
Is it just me, or is he a robot?
Absolutely everyone is making a point to mention that he’s actually a doctor and not a professional Tickle Monster. Did he, like, sue ABC for failure to showcase his actual career on the Bachelorette?
Wait, I really didn’t want to refer to him as “Tickle” just now but I have legitimately zero clue what his real name. So, anyways, Tickle makes out with Christen and asks her on a date.
Jack Stone can’t deal.
Lacey and Daniel go on their weird AF wrestling date.
Lacey: “I can’t wait to start picking out rings after this date”
Daniel: “I can’t wait to get to the bedroom after this date.”
Back in Paradise, Kristina is trying to solidify things with Dean and experience true romance. Dean is much more interested in sharing a chicken quesadilla with Diggy and for once I feel like he and I are on the same page.
Diggy talks to Dean about his stupid love triangle is going, and Dean gives us yet another reason to hate him. He tells Diggy that Kristina is much more interesting, perceptive and smart, but D-Lo is “just so fucking hot.”
Your hole keeps getting bigger and bigger, Dean.
Dean asks Kristina to be patient with him so he can
have sex with Danielle real quick figure out what’s going on in his head. RUN, KRISTINA, RUN.
Okay, I figured out “Tickle’s” name. It’s Jonathan. However, Christen continues to refer to him as “Tickle” and “Tickle Monster” on their date.
Jonathan: “After work I just go home, put on my board shorts and surf.”
Christen: “Wow, that’s a really good trait, you’re like a chameleon.” (*actual quote)
Is Christen okay?
Lacey and Daniel are starting to get hot and heavy and Jasmine walks in like, “can I steal you for a sec?” Hold up. This is not The Bachelor. Jasmine, can you not give Lacey this one moment? How much more can the girl take?
Christen tells Jonathan she’s having an amazing time on their date, but then gets back and immediately starts making out with Jack Stone. Barf.
Dean is all over D-Lo in the pool even though he and Kristina literally just spent the night together. I don’t know how much more of Dean I can take. Remember when he used to be so likable?
Kristina says she thinks the orphanage would be better than Paradise right now. Did you hear that, Dean? AN ORPHANAGE.