We’re back again for another week in Paradise and another week of literally frying our brain cells with the mindless drama of drunk people yelling on a beach.
This episode kind of sucked, but here we go.
We start off with Alexis, AKA the best thing that’s ever happened to this franchise, playing a game of “What am I putting in Jack Stone’s mouth?” Normal. The first few are harmless; jalepeño, papya, etc. But then, she tries to put a decaying crab in his mouth and he’s not having it.
One things for sure, Jack Stone is NOT giving Alexis his rose, you guys. Like, I don’t think you understand, he is NOT giving her a rose. He’s just not!
Jasmine is all over a clearly uninterested Matt, and it’s painful to watch. She’s strattling him and he does just about everything to get him off of her aside from literally throwing her across the beach.
Christen shows up and I don’t think I’m on board with her. First of all, she spells he name with a C. No. Second of all, she can’t stop talking about the fact that she’s a virgin. We. Get. It. She sets her sights on Matt and Jasmine’s like, come again?
Christen to Jasmine: “OMG yeah girl, he’s yours!”
Christen to Matt: “Take me now.”
Okay, I know I’ve given Ben Z a lot of shit for the dog talk, but why does nobody want to go on a date with him? Like, he’s a good-looking guy, and aside from the fact that he has feelings for his dog, he seems to have a pretty good personality.
So Christen asks Matt on her date and Jasmine is not having it. Jasmine has lost her damn mind and turns into a full blown Regina George when she finds out Kalteen bars make you gain weight.
She tells Matt that he can’t go, but then reluctantly agrees and tells him to, “go have fun,” like any true psycho would.
Jasmine: “Should I go say something to Christen?”
Jasmine: “You’re right, I’m gonna go say something to her.”
Jasmine confronts Christen and Christen decides not to spit out her toothpaste. The whole interaction is very anticlimactic and I’m less than impressed.
Jasmine to the camera: “YOU WANT GOOD TV ABC, I’LL GIVE YOU GOOD TV”
Jasmine to Christen: “I mean, whatever, have fun on the date.”
After things settle down, the group gathers around the bar for some story time with Alexis. She tells them about a night when Christen pulled out a plate of scallops to-go in a car with 8 other girls. She ate them with her fingers and it was a whole to-do. I mean, sure, sort of weird, but if any girl tells you she’s never eaten anything with her fingers, she’s lying through her teeth.
Now all the girls are calling her “scallop fingers,” proving to the world that they’re kind and non-judgemental people. (Same)
Amanda: “I do not trust people who take scallops to-go.”
America: “BUT YOU TRUSTED JOSH MURRAY!?!”
Christen and Matt come back from their date and Jasmine decides to “send Christen a message” by grabbing Matt and dry humping him in front of everyone. Cringe, cringe, cringe.
Robby throws a bunch of glow sticks into the hot tub so that he and Amanda can have a “lit up moment together.” His eyeliner is in full swing tonight and he’s ready to make (another) move.
Robby: “I’m so glad to have this romantic, alone time with you.”
Amanda: “Should we go upstairs and play scattergories with everyone else?”
He tries to kiss her and she denies him again. Strike two for Robby.
In another weekly edition of “Dean doesn’t know how to hold a conversation,” he talks to Kristina but says absolutely nothing worthwhile.
Kristina: “What do you feel about me?”
Dean: “I don’t know.”
Kristina: “Would you rather be with D-Lo?”
Dean: “I mean, you know, I don’t know.”
I honestly wasn’t listening to what Taylor and Derek were talking about, but they get in an argument and all of the sudden he hits her with a “fuck you.” Okay, waiiiit a second. I hate Taylor just as much as the next person, but, like, too far, maybe?
I get why she’s upset, but she is holding this grudge for all that it’s worth. Taylor is just too emotionally exhausted to deal with this right now, you guys!
Guys have the power at the rose ceremony this week. Chris Harrison tells them “just when you think you have paradise figured out, you never know what could happen.” What the hell, Chris, you cannot just leave us on our toes like that.
Adam tells Raven and Sarah exactly what they want to hear. They both think they’re getting the rose from him and I’m still stuck wondering why two people like Adam.
Lacey (who is apparently still here), confronts Diggy about how upset she was that he went on another date right after theirs.
Diggy: “Uhh…new phone who dis?”
He tells Lacey that he’s definitely giving his rose to Dominique.
Kristina gives Dean one last shot to fight for her. He tells her that he’s going to give her his rose, and somehow, she falls for it. They make out and Kristina thinks she’s sitting pretty.
He then has the exact same conversation with Danielle. And for that reason, I’m out.
Robby gets some more alone time with Amanda, and he decides that he’ll try one more time to kiss her despite his two failed attempts. What’s pride, anyways, right? Initially, it’s not looking good, but somehow Robby manages to smooth talk his way into her heart and they make out. He probably told her how many Instagram followers he
Taylor and Derek make up, but I honestly forgot they were even fighting.
Matt decides to go home because he doesn’t
want to get murdered by Jasmine think he’s going to find love here. Christen and Jasmine are both devastated because they wanted his rose so they could stick around and get a few SugarBear ads out of this really liked him.
Jack Stone has the last available rose, so Christen and Jasmine have to go talk to him and pretend they’ve liked him this whole time.
Jasmine: “The other day I saw you and thought you were hot and I was like wait wtf is wrong with me?”
Christen goes all in and aggressively makes out with Jack Stone and I think I’m gonna need to step away for a moment.
In the surprise twist that Chris Harrison alluded us to, Daniel arrives right before the roses are supposed to be handed out, and Lacey is legitimately salivating.