Trouble in Paradise: Bachelor in Paradise Week 2 night 1

I didn’t bother writing a recap for last Tuesday’s episode of BIP because it was honestly so boring that I only half watched it. All I remember is Chris Harrison having an awkward sex talk with the cast and watching Carly reminisce on her used-to-be-hatred for Evan.

The only thing on my mind going into tonights episode is that it better fucking deliver.

There’s a rose ceremony coming up and the girls have the power. Iggy is really hoping that Dean will give him a rose, but that’s unfortunately not how it works. Time to go pity kiss Lacey again, Iggy. There’s also the option to just, like, leave.

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Adam shows up and I kind of recognized him, only because he made it so far in Rachel’s season without ever speaking a single word, which was impressive. Obviously Danielle says that she’d be open to going on a date with literally anyone Adam. Girlfriend has got to chill. 

Robby orders a red wine at the bar.

Why are all of the girls acting like they’re so excited that Adam is here? Are they that bored with the selection at hand? He looks like he’s asleep and/or high 90% of the time.

He picks Raven to go on a date and Kristina is pissed because she really wanted to make Dean jealous go out with Adam. Ben Z is shook. He really likes Raven because she has a dog too. *Reminder: Ben Z has a dog. 

Kristina quickly moves on from caring about Adam to trying to rekindle things with Dean. He’s sleeping on a dog bed and doesn’t really feel like talking about this right now. Honestly, I’m over Dean. He’s obviously got the face of an angel but his immaturity is on another level. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.

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Every time Taylor speaks my heart starts racing because I get so angry. Is that normal?

Raven goes on her date with Adam right before the Rose Ceremony. She has no idea who she’s going to give her rose to because she had a great time with Adam, but Ben Z has a dog. I am still so confused about why Adam is here.

Poor Vinny is so concerned about whether or not he’ll get a rose. I literally had no idea until just now that he was even on this season, so chances are slim my friend.

Ben Z pulls Raven aside to remind her that they both have dogs and he’d like her rose.

Okay, there is so much going on with Robby right now that I’m actually having trouble accepting that fact that he’s a human person.

  1. He’s wasted
  2. He wont take his socks off in the sand/rain
  3. He’s wearing half socks
  4. He’s sweaty AF
  5. He just got rejected by Amanda
  6. His overall demeanor and generally irritating personality

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Remember when Matt was pushing Jasmine away so he could keep his options open but now that the roses are about to be passed out he’s professing his love for her? Same.

Oh HELL no, here comes Iggy trying to convince Lacey to give him her rose. CAN. YOU. NOT. Diggy swoops in and does the same thing and may have just saved America from having to watch Iggy for a moment longer.

Actual footage of Short Alex trying to convince literally anyone to give him a rose:

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The 4 guys that don’t get a rose are: Iggy (obviously), Short Alex, Vinny & Nick. Dean is suddenly back to being all in with Kristina and I honestly cannot keep up.

Danielle L (or D-Lo as people apparently call her) shows up and all of the guys start foaming at the mouth. Even Derek jokes about not being “coupled up” anymore and he’s with Taylor! 

D-Lo ends up giving her date card to Dean and Kristina is livid. Dean is about to stir shit up and he knows it. Does he notice/care/feel? Unclear.

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Alexis:
In my opinion, Nick Viall was the worst Bachelor in history
The world: Same

D-Lo and Dean go on their date and Kristina tells Danielle that she’s only interested in investing her time with Dean. Um, you might want to rethink that one. Meanwhile, Danielle is still there, just existing.

D-Lo struts back to the beach with Dean wearing a god awful pair of ripped jeans? Shorts? Is it a skirt? Idk, but she walks up and giggles about how fun her date was even though she knows Kristina is sitting right there. There’s so much tension within this love triangle that I almost can’t take it. Dean pulls Kristina aside and says there was “nothing romantic about his date with D-Lo and they “had a peck.”

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Why are you doing this to me Kristina, Dean!?

When Dean was told by producers to decided to bring out the cake to celebrate D-Lo’s half birthday cake, my jaw dropped. Like, I was legitimately floored. He was sitting by the romantic fire with his arm around Kristina just moments ago. Is Dean, like, all there? Kristina did not leave Russia for this.

Alexis crying over the sandy pizza is literally all of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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