Almost Paradise

The moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. Bachelor in Paradise is back. Remember when we were unsure if there would even be season 4 and I was physically and emotionally distraught? Well, worry no more because all is right with the world and I get to spend 4 hours a week watching drunk people make out on a beach.

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I’m not really going to get too far into any of the Corinne/DeMario drama, but Chris Harrison lets us know (as he lounges casually in khakis and bare feet) that we’ll see everything that happened before production shut down and that this will be the most dramatic season ever. I am on my toes, Chris. On my toes.

Raven and Dean are the first to arrive. (Raven, can you please send me your diet and exercise plan because omfg your body.) Can you imagine how awkward walking onto this beach must be? Especially being the first few people. No wonder they take tequila shots at 1pm.

Some more people start to arrive and it’s like a game of who can judge the hardest. If you weren’t popular enough on your season, nobody knows or cares about you and they will not by shy about letting you know. They’ll yell “WHO IS THAT” as you walk in to make sure you feel insignificant. I mean, I obviously do the same thing but from the comfort of my couch, not to their face!

Literally, what is Iggy.

Alexis comes in her shark/dolphin costume and that bald guy (Frank? I have no clue what his name is) comes in his penguin costume. Then some guy named Nick comes in a Santa beard and tells Jasmine he came hoping to meet her. Jasmine is like, “omg actually, same.” Wow guys, what are the odds! 

Here comes Amanda reminiscing on the way she “kind of ignored some red flags with Josh last season.” Oh, like when his ex wrote a tell-all book about how he was emotionally abusive and all of your friends told you they didn’t trust him but you got engaged to him anyways? Best of luck this time around, Amanda.

Corinne arrives ready to get turnt. She and DeMario are friendly right off the bat (as the viewer this is so uncomfortable, knowing what may or may not have happened next).  DeMario cannot keep his eyes open during his interviews and Corrine is unable to walk a straight line. Bad times ahead. They’re wasted and all over each other before are they jump in the pool, but that’s all we see. Short Alex happens to be doing an interview in front of the pool so he decides to provide commentary to those of us without eyes. “They’re in the pool.” “Corinne still has her clothes on” “They’re still in the pool.” Thanks, short Alex.

In the saddest moment of the night, Jorge the bartender tells the cast that he’s leaving to pursue his dreams. He literally starts crying and I have no shame in admitting that I shed a tear as well. He brings out the new bartender and it’s none other than Wells. Now he can be the one to provide them with wordly insight and advice on how to find love when you’re thrown on a beach with a group of people for two weeks. Annoying Danielle has a heart to heart with him later in the night and (because nobody on the beach is interested in her), she’s like, “Wells is such a great guy. Maybe I love Wells.” It gives me serious Landon professing her love to Shep vibes. Cringe.

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Taylor tells Derek that her “type” is a guy who can take her into the forest and start a fire. Every girl in America is rolling their eyes so hard right now. Derek tells her he’s currently flipping a house so that’s basically the same thing, right? Why are these two on the show? ​

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Brunette Lacey and Iggy hit it off (what?), but then Lacey tells him that her grandfather passed away and she needs to go home. Iggy is like, “omg I’m so sorry but like, can you leave me a rose on the way out or…” Again, what is Iggy.

Kristina gets the first date card and asks Dean, obviously. Every other girl on the beach starts weeping because they were hoping they might get a chance with Dreamboat Dean. No luck, ladies! They have a nice romantic dinner where they talk about the hardships of their childhoods and then ask each other over and over if they’re having fun. Chemistry! Dean tells Kristina that Nick is a moron for dumping her because she’s SO amazing. She does not fire back with “Rachel is a moron, too.” Wtf Kristina?

Is the bald guy (Randy?) the one who keeps talking about his dog? Or is that Ben Z? Are they the same person? Either way, someone has mentioned 32 times that he left his dog back home and he “really hopes this is worth it.” Dude, this show films for a total of 14 days, I think your dog will be fine. Amanda has 2 kids and she literally dgaf.

Here comes dumb Robby with new hair and a new career title: Social Media Influencer. Ah yes, definitely. One of the most influential actually. Is he wearing eyeliner? His teeth are so white. Actual quote from Robby: “It was hard for me not packing my bow ties, lapels and pocket squares. But I have a bathing suit for everyday” I. Hate. Robby.

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He takes Raven on a date and talks to her about how influential it is selling SugarBear hair vitamins on Instagram and that he has a denim speedo. They get back to the beach and Robby immediately starts telling the guys how great it went and that he’s 100% confident he’s getting her rose. Meanwhile, Raven is telling the girls there was no spark and that he has too many abs. “I can’t date someone who’s prettier than me.” I think that’s her way of saying he’s a raging douchebag and she doesn’t want to join his Rodan + Fields skincare team.

I honestly can’t remember what else happens in this episode because I was so distracted waiting for them to explain more about about the C/D situation. Did Jasmine go on a date with the bald guy (Mark?) Or Ben Z? Ugh who is Ben Z.

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Anyways, they left us with no more insight into the drama and I think tomorrows episode will pick right back up with them coming back to paradise after production resumed. So we’ll never know what actually happened.

Chris Harrison is honestly such a tease.

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